My Partner Makes My Anxiety Worse - My Tips for People with Relational Anxiety
I’m no therapist, but I’ve seen a couple!
I hope that my experience can help you, but I always recommend seeking your own professional services for the best possible results. Even if you invest in seeing a therapist once a month, I genuinely believe it is worth it.
That said, let’s get into it!
So, does your partner makes your anxiety worse?
My now-husband made my anxiety worse. The worst it has ever been! What do I mean by that? Dating him, I was the most anxious wreck I ever remember being. The waves of worry, emotion, sadness, depression, and overall feeling like I was going crazy was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. Hence finally, seeing a therapist!
When I saw my therapist, I was a nervous wreck. I thought she would tell me to end things right away with my boyfriend because wow, look at me! He was causing me all this emotional turmoil.
To my shock and relief, that wasn’t the case.
I learned something exciting from her.
When it comes to anxious attachment styles, they mainly kick in with people you genuinely love.
If I didn’t truly love my now-husband when we were dating, my anxiety wouldn’t have been so intense. Not saying that should be your only guide when dating someone, but I found that interesting and comforting. My worry and fear were high because I felt a deep and authentic connection.
The idea of losing my partner is what spiked my anxiety levels. My brain tried to protect me from that hurt and avoid that potential hurt by worrying about anything and everything involving him.
Another reason my partner was making my anxiety worse - Affirmation and Lack thereof.
As I start this paragraph, I must note that anxiety sucks. Ha! It’s loose, loose, and here’s why.
Let’s say your partner affirms you every time you bring up something that worries you.
“Do you love me?” YES!” “I love you so much!”
“You’re happy, right?” “Yes, of course, babe!”
Here’s the thing, my friend who also has anxiety and also sees a therapist said something that has stuck with me ever since.
“Even if you ask, even if they give you the best answer ever, you won’t believe them.”
Think about it, it’s true.
Or let’s say you do believe them. It helps calm you down for a day the first time, half a day the next time, and 5 minutes the next. Next thing you know, you’ll be at the “I don’t believe them” phase.
Verbal affirmation is what we want (all the time), but not actually what we need. So in a sense, when you get that affirmation from your partner, but you don’t believe it, it feels like things are just getting worse.
Now let’s say you have a partner that doesn’t give in to your anxious questions and whims. They go on with their day without obliging your anxious out-bursts. You feel resentful and angry that you are not getting the verbal affirmation you think you need.
Even though their response is probably the best thing for you, it’s not what you want, and you, therefore, feel less loved and quite angry. Things feel worse because you’re upset, and you’re not getting the fix you think you need.
One more way your partner can make your anxiety worse.
Talking to someone with a non-anxious brain about your anxious thoughts can make you feel a lot worse.
People assume your fears are coming from concrete evidence! However, our anxious brain can produce fears and worries based on absolutely no evidence.
For instance, I had many times where I worried that my now-husband didn’t love me enough. A strange thing to worry about now that I think about it, but anxiety isn’t the most logical thing. It’s fear-based, after all.
So now, let’s pretend I brought this anxious feeling up with my partner. Or even if I brought it up with a close friend or parent. They’d try to dissect why I felt that way and try to offer some relational advice.
Ironically, your relationally anxious thoughts are not usually due to your current relationship. Your anxious thoughts express themselves in your current relationship. My fear that Parker doesn’t love me enough in this example is based solely on fear and not on facts.
These worries were tied to not feeling secure as a child.
If I were to bring these worries up with my partner, friends, or family, they would have no idea how to help me, and in the end, I would probably come out of that chat feeling even more confused and scared.
I want readers to be careful reading this. I am in a very loving, healthy relationship, thankfully. There very well could be unhealthy relationships that cause extra anxiety. I do not have insight into that.
I wanted to write this post for people in genuinely healthy relationships but struggle with their anxiety and are very confused about things. The idea of relationships ending purely due to the confusion anxiety brings on breaks my heart. Please think carefully about your relationship.