Husband doesn't help with baby because he works!
One of my biggest fears of becoming pregnant has been the fear of being over-worked with little help.
My partner has said he’ll help out and all, but that hasn’t stopped me from planning on what I think will be the best ways to avoid this dilemma.
I hear from women, again and again, discussing how overworked they are, how their partner doesn’t help out enough, and how hard it all is because all this is just expected from them.
Coming from a project management background, I found myself looking at the typical ‘systems’ and ‘labor break down’ of chores and raising kids and deconstructing them. Do these typical child care labor splits work? How can we enhance their efficiency?
This post is going to be a series because there are many things that need to be replanned with a baby! There are so many ways we can do things better to make our lives easier.
This series begins by looking at the way we split chores for now.
What most Stay At Home parents do and why I don’t think it works
While the working partner is out of the house, the stay-at-home-mom or stay-at-home-partner is GENERALLY expected to do the following:
Night-shift feeding and baby duties since the paid partner has work in the morning.
A full unpaid child-care shift from 7 AM to at least 5 PM while working partner is out. This is a job many people get paid for (nursery workers, daycare, babysitters, nannies, etc).
Constant minding the child for safety
Amusing child
Feeding child
Cleaning child
Burping child
Dealing with crying
Changing diapers
3. Keep the house clean and maintained while doing child-care duties (above). Something child-care workers don’t have to do while on their paid shift, such as daycare workers, babysitters, nursery workers, etc.
Laundry
Dishes
Vacuuming
Prepare Dinner
Make nutritional meals for self and kids
Dust
Put away mess from the day/ have house in order
Why stay-at-home parents should separate Child-Care Duties and House Maintenance
Optics is everything.
Typically speaking, the stay-at-home parent has done the job of multiple people from 12 AM until 5 PM already when dealing with young children.
By the time 5 PM has rolled around, they have taken care of everything and are rightfully absolutely WIPED.
Of course, they are going to want someone to help watch the baby since they just did an insane shift of work.
HOWEVER, optics is everything, my friends…
We know you worked your bumb off all day, but now your partner is home and all they see you doing is the following:
Relaxing/ doing nothing (because you’re WIPED)
Asking (they might call it nagging) for help so you can sit around and do nothing.
I know this sounds harsh but just think about what they see for a moment. I think it’s hard for them to mentally understand how much work you’ve gone through to get to this point. I feel like maybe truly understanding this might be beyond their ability! You can’t really know until you’ve had to do it!
So what if we split our child-minding duties and house maintenance duties!?
What if you did a regular “child-care” shift from 12 AM to 5 PM, and a regular “home-care” shift from about 5 PM until bedtime (8-ish ideally)?
Here’s what I think would happen:
First, you’d be LESS tired by the time 5 PM rolled around.
You’d enjoy your “child-care” shift a lot more and probably do a better job.
Your partner would come home, see you still working, and feel better about minding the child while you are busy doing something else (OPTICS!!).
You’d limit the option to not help from the paid partner. They need to mind the child while you clean the house, period!
You’d get a clear break from child-minding duties, and therefore help protect yourself from burnout, feeling touched-out, and you’ll have some alone time.
You’d help ensure better bonding between the working partner and your kids.
I’ve seen this method further reiterated by child-care experts.
They discuss how usually, you can only have 2 out of the 3 ideals when it comes to being a stay-at-home parent.
The 3 ideas of the triangle are:
A happy kid!
A clean home.
Nutritious meals.
Having all 3 sides of the triangle is extremely difficult and here’s why:
By having a clean home with highly nutritious meals, chances are your kid has been slightly ignored all day as these are both incredibly time-consuming tasks.
If you’ve been able to keep your kid happy and your home clean, chances are you’ll be too burnt out and tired to cook nutritious meals, McDonald’s anyone?
Same logic, a happy kid with nutritious meals, chances are your home maintenance has been low on the priorities and will need some work.
The pressure to somehow take care of all 3 sides of the triangle all day long, is truly insane and unrealistic.
I encourage you to focus on a happy kid with nutritious meals throughout your day and leave the clean home side of the triangle until your partner is back from their paid job.
My husband refuses to help with the baby at night
To start, I do understand where they are coming from.
Partners that work truly don’t have the ability to take any form of cat-nap throughout the day so sleep does become a valuable resource, however, there needs to be some compromise!
Below, you will see how we split evenings up.
I promise to fully take care of the child between the hours of 12 AM and on, as long as my partner manages all baby-related situations from 5 PM on to 12 AM.
Splitting Child Care Work with Working Husband/Partner - What it looks like
Here is the breakdown that my husband and I have agreed to and what it visually looks like.
All numbers are approximate and will change/ even out as your baby gets bigger and begins to sleep through the night more.
Total hours worked in a day by stay-at-home parent and paid parent
Here is the breakdown of the suggested shifts between the stay-at-home parent and paid parent.
Stay-at-home Parent:
12 AM to 5 PM - Taking care of all night and day baby-related things from 12 AM at night to 5 PM the next day.
5 PM to 9 PM (bedtime) - Takes care of dinner, does basic housekeeping, hits the gym, and does some form of self-care.
Paid Parent:
12 AM to Morning - Sleeping!
9 AM to 5 PM - Paid Shift
5 PM to 12 AM - Taking care of all baby-related tasks, feeding, diapers, playtime, bath-time, etc.
This sounds nice in theory, but is it that practical?
It takes work, but I think overall this is practical.
I know that to begin with for instance, if you are breastfeeding, this work layout is still going to feel like a pretty insane workload for the stay-at-home-partner. You’ll still need to step in for feedings all evening long. Be sure to set boundaries and make it clear that you will mainly just be breastfeeding in the evenings.
I plan on incorporating some formula into the evening routines to help me take a clearer break.
I’d also encourage you to keep up general maintenance throughout the day, meaning put away what you use if you can and put away dishes if you can.
Throughout this series, I’ll be tackling ways to minimize your need to clean during the day and I’ll be discussing ways to make cleaning in the evening heavily efficient.
Concluding thoughts on splitting child care duties
If you have a partner that doesn’t understand how much work it is to be a stay-at-home parent, I hope this post can help them understand just how much labor you put in.
As you guys are a team, I hope you can work together to come up with a labor split that is favorable for both of you.
You both work. One is paid for their time, and one is not. As you can see from above, especially in the younger years of your kids’ life, the stay-at-home parent is working far longer shifts.
You both are on the clock pretty much 24/7 now. Therefore new ways of splitting chores and childcare need to be considered.
Let me know if you use this way of splitting chores with your partner or if you have another system that works well for you guys!