I remember when I first started dating my now-husband. There were endless worries after every date. I’d wonder if my partner was getting bored of me and that he didn’t find me funny.

I’d also worry about my worry. Why was I so worried all the time? Does this mean my relationship is bad? 

I remember feeling like I was going insane. I was so depressed all the time. I was scared. I felt crazy, and I felt hopeless. My anxiety was stealing joy from what should be a very joyful time in my life. 

A few (many) Google searches later, and I was relieved to realize I probably had relational anxiety (an anxious attachment style). 

As I didn’t want anxiety ruining my relationship, I decided to see a counselor. 

I feel fortunate to have had such an insightful counselor. 

There were a few beneficial things that I want to pass along. 

*This worked for me, and it may not help you. I want to share what I have found extremely useful for my relational anxiety. I hope that it can aid at least a few other people. However, I always recommend seeing a therapist for yourself, as everyone is so unique!

Can anxiety ruin a relationship?

Left unchecked, I think anxiety can ruin a relationship. 

If you are completely unaware you have relationship anxiety (or have an anxious attachment style), things will be hard. You might both feel like you are on a crazy emotional roller coaster. Your partner might feel distrusted and frustrated by continually being badgered with anxious questions. You may grow resentful that your partner’s answers to your questions don’t bring you enough peace. In the end, either your partner or you may end things.

Even if you know you have anxiety but do nothing to heal it or cope with it, it can ruin a relationship. You cannot remain the same and blame your emotional responses continually on your anxiety, no matter how true it is. 

So, unfortunately, this leaves you with some extra work to do that people with non-anxious attachment styles don’t need to deal with! Lucky them, hey? 

That all said, I’m going to show you the practices I’ve used to ensure anxiety does not ruin my relationship.

I’m going to speak from my experiences. Hopefully, it can encourage you and give you some insights into your own experiences. Not all roots of anxiety are the same, and I encourage you to dig deep into what yours might be.

So why does my relationship give me anxiety? 

Generally, it seems that a big part of ‘anxiety’ within relationships is wondering, “Am I loved?” or “Am I loveable?” Even if someone is in a loving, healthy relationship, this question is like a mosquito that won’t leave you alone.

Trying to answer the question “Am I loved?” for ourselves on a day-to-day basis causes us severe emotional turmoil. Our brains are always on the lookout, consistently over-analyzing our partner’s facial expressions or lack-there-of.

Hence all the worrying anxious thoughts we experience.

• Do our partners take time to be with us?

• How do they look at us?

• How much physical attention do they give us?

• Do they compliment us enough?

• How do they react to us when they are impatient or annoyed? 

• Do they seem to have more fun with so-and-so?

These anxious thoughts bombard us as our brain tries to figure out if we are safe and loved.

Over analyzing every little thing in a relationship is a tiring process. I know much this process steals your joy from your present moments. I am so sorry you go through this.

Instead of focusing on these anxious thoughts, it’s time to focus on the heart of it all.

One thing my therapist would encourage me to do was to record moments when I felt loved.

She explained that I would build a stronger sense of knowing that I’m loved. She explained that as we teach ourselves that we are loved, the brain has less reason to search for clues from outside sources!

I found this advice extremely interesting. In today’s society, we frequently hear the phrase, “Love yourself.” Whenever someone would tell me that, I would silently rage scream, “Yea, but how!?”

Instead, how about we teach ourselves that we are loved and loveable?

How are we supposed to effectively love anyone (including ourselves) if we don’t feel loved?

The process of teaching yourself you are loved and loveable.

I’d encourage you to keep a journal near your bed to start tracking all the experiences that make you feel loved. Please, feel free to do this with me right now. 

It’s going to feel pretty tricky and awkward to start, but eventually, it will become easier and more comfortable as you start practicing. When I first learned about this practice, I thought it seemed overly ‘therapy-ish.’ However, I genuinely think I benefited from this.

So if you’re reading this article, I assume you have a partner because you probably feel like your anxiety is ruining your relationship, and you’re searching for ways to get a handle on it. 

These instances of feeling loved that I want you to track can be about your partner, friends, family, or even strangers, so don’t feel the need to limit it to romantic partners. 

So let’s think of a recent time we felt loved (or knew that someone was expressing something loving to you). 

I’ll go first!

My husband has shingles right now, so he’s pretty out of it. My husband told me that his sister would stop by to drop off some cream that would help with his pain later today. 

Eventually, she came by with a few bags. She handed me the cream and explains how to put it on. She then gave me a tray of IKEA vegan hot dogs, vegan cupcakes, vegan chips, and vegan gummies, all for my husband and I! 

This random gift of hotdogs (I LOVE FOOD) felt so unexpected and thoughtful that I felt very cared for and valued at this moment. That my sister-in-law would go through the trouble to help us out like that felt so heartwarming.  

She was wearing her chill yoga clothes, came with her boyfriend, was so sweet and smiley, and seemed genuinely happy to be helping out. She seemed to care about making sure we felt good despite the crazy situation. 

I felt in my chest a kind of warm, full feeling. I felt like someone had our backs and cared about what we were going through. I felt provided for, which made me feel whole and confident. Even editing this a second time and reading through it, my chest feels light, and I was able to take a calm deep breath. 

Your turn! 

Here are the keys to making this useful for you. 

1. Fully describe the situation that made you feel loved.

   • For instance, if someone talked with you, did this person give you eye contact? Were their eyes soft? Did they blush? Were they smiling at you? Did they hold you a certain way? How were they holding you? Was it sunny? Did you smell anything in the air? Were you standing or seated?

   • Mainly though, you want to focus on them and what their body, voice, face, and tone were telling you.

2. Next, write down what you took from it.

   • I felt like this individual values me. I feel like they notice when I’m gone. It seems people value my opinion. People think I’m funny. I’m desirable! Etc.

   • Write down the message you got from this situation.

3. How you PHYSICALLY felt.

   • This step in the process is the hardest part.

   • At this point in the practice, I stopped my therapist to clarify what the heck she meant.

   • I knew when people were loving, but I didn’t remember it feeling a certain way. She knowingly smiled at me and said it made sense that it was hard for me to ‘feel’ love when I’m functioning in ‘high anxiety mode’ and that it becomes more comfortable when you practice.

   • You may hardly feel anything the first few times, but as you continue to relive those loved moments, you’ll begin to attach feelings to them.

   • Some examples of ‘feelings’ or ‘sensations’ that can happen when you feel loved are:

• You might feel a warmth inside of you.

• A fuzzy sensation in your chest

• Your shoulders can feel lighter.

• Your chest can feel lighter.

• An energetic wave can go through your body.

• Exciting tingles can crawl up/down your spine.

• A sense of feeling ‘full’ in your chest or stomach

• You can feel something sturdy through your back or in your stomach.

• Etc.

Something about this practice begins to teach your brain that you are truly loved. 

I encourage you to keep a journal of the moments you feel loved. What happened, what did that teach you, and how did it physically feel to you? As you continue to bank these moments of feeling loved, you are slowly introducing yourself to the fact that you are loved. 

Read through them on the days you don’t feel like you could think of anything. 

This practice was huge for me when I felt like my anxiety was ruining my relationship. I began to feel more confidence and peace in myself.

Be patient with yourself and keep practicing!